Driving Permit/Lisence

I was really, really looking forward to getting my permit and license.. But then I found out they're changing the age for both.. Because they think teenagers are irresponsible- cause they get into a lot of accidents and drive drunk and crap like that.. This pissed me off. I don't get it how they would just give all the teenagers a punishment. Like those stupid ass teenagers who do shit, they should just like take their permit away for a year and I'm pretty sure they won't even THINK about doing any bull shit with their vehicle again. But no, they have to punish all of us and make us wait for what we have been waiting for since we HEARD about it.
That's retarded. On top of that, I'm turning fifteen like a couple of weeks after school starts.. That really sucks. It's sorta like restricting something that I wanted on my birthday. Fuck.

My Phone Curfew.

This whole phone curfew thing my mom has put up is getting on my nerves.. I mean first it was 'you cannot talk after twelve". Then she changed it to 'you cannot talk after ten'. And now it's 'you cant talk after NINE'. What the heck? Does that make any sense? I mean does she WANT to get on my nerves? I know I talk on the phone for a while, but that's cause I really need to vent to someone like everyday about what's going on and crap (what I feel bad about) or I'll get all depressed..
I mean.. If my mom wants me to get depressed, it's fine. I will never talk on my phone again. But I highly doubt that.. And I'm not really willing to give up my talking.. Cause I talk a bunch. When I start a topic, I don't stop. Nonstop talking. lol. Just find a good topic that won't offend me and I can talk foreverrr. But that's the one thing people don't understand, like what I meant by not offending is like a dirty disgusting topic. But like if you told me to talk about George Bush.. Wow I would talk toooo much.
It's just the way I am.. Like I love to talk about certain topics, where I wouldn't stop talking- but most people don't know my favorite topics to talk about:].

Colored Contacts

I am officially getting colored contacts! YAY! I am like so happy! Well I'm not getting them untill my mom confirms it, which is an 85% chance! As long as I keep up my grades and do nothing bad, I will get colored contacts (the true saphire ones or the light purple/violet ones). YAYAYYAAY! Okay. I don't get why the other 20% chance came true. My mom isn't letting me get colored contacts. I don't see why she wouldn't let me buy them... I mean- It's almost the same price as regular contacts, except for a couple a' bucks more- but honestly, it's worth getting something better then the regular you know.. There is really nothing wrong with colored contacts- they make you look a little bit better but that's probably it. Wait.. Is there something wrong with looking good?
If there was, I didn't know. Tell me, really- was there something wrong with looking good? Cause the way my mom interprets her actions gives me a little feeling that looking pretty in this century leads to RAPE. Ughhhhh. I just FREAKING HATE IT WHEN SHE DOES THAT. She makes me happy, I get my hopes up, and then she ruins it completely.. Like by the end I feel terrible when she comes up to my face and says no to something I really want..
It's not like I waste money either, I like preserve my clothes.. Especially my jeans. Use em' for atleast three years, and when they get short, I cut them into bermudas to wear in the summer and it looks pretty good. Then there are those rare electronics she pays for.. The only electronic that she payed for was my camera. Everything else, my iPod, my mp3 players, and all that crap I payed for. I dislike my mom paying for anything expencive cause then she uses it against me like my dad does all of the time.
For example: 'Hey dad I really need to buy some shoes, cause these ones are tearing and like.. You know.. It looks sort of bad..' and then he says: 'I bought you a phone, what more do you want? You weren't supposed to buy anything else for a year.' Wow dad. You made a wonderful point there! Then of corse, I tell him that if I don't these shoes soon.. I will fail (that wasn't a joke or a bribe, I litterally would fail). So he FINALLY agrees, but then eventually forgets.
On the other hand, if you look at the spoiled and exact opposite of me- my brother you would trully want to live his freaking life. Damn he has it easy. Here's how his room looks.. You walk in and the first thing you see is a: PSP, PS2, PS3, Wii, XBox360, iPod touch (regular), iPod touch (third generation), and to top that shit load of electronics off, a Plazma. I don't see why this happened though.. I mean, like yesterday my brother asked for a skin/case thing for one of his iPod touches.. And the world stops.. Like I freaking skipped ginan class to go to the mall with him to face him and his whiney self to get his freaking iPod SKIN/CASE THING!
I asked my mom to let me spend freaking four dollars on something I liked and she freaking bitched at me for no good reason (oh- and an iPod skin/case thing is a little more than ten bucks)! You see, if this happenes one or two times, it's not really a problem.. But when this happenes whenever you ask for something and you don't really get anything no matter WHAT but your sibling can ask for something oh-so-expencive and get it within minutes, it becomes a PROBLEM. I asked to get my laptop fixed, because my mom freaking knows that I use it for writing esays and my novel but she doesn't BOTHER taking THAT in for repair- but she still wants me to get good grades and study and practice writing! HA. Nice try!
I would fail on purpose but I really can't afford to do that these last two semesters, like I won't get into that school (GSMST) that I wanned to get into. But I do recall this one time that I asked why she wouldn't buy me anything and she would buy my brother everything and yes, she responded with 'It's not like that. You're just taking it in the wrong way.' But later I tried getting more out of her and she said that we were running out of money. PLEASE don't BS me like that. It doesn't work.
Because people who run out of money don't go buy a new game system and a console and a nunchuck and a new iPhone, iPod, and designer wear. They just DON'T. Speaking of designer wear- shoes, as I was saying, I need shoes. Whenever I get shoes, I take special special care of them and save them. My brother gets freaking designer shoes for over a 100 bucks every three months. What's that? Oh right, I can't spend that much on shoes. I absolutely cannot buy a pair of everlasting sneakers for 30 bucks.
Okay, that's enough. Calm down.

Depression

  I hate it how I sometimes get depressed for the smallest things. Don't you hate it? HA. You're probably annoyed:] It's pretty tiring.. Cry, cry, cry, ICE CREAM BABY! And lemme tell ya, ice cream HELPS! You just eat a whole bunch and you're fine! If I had to choose what to eat when I was depressed it would be Ben & Jerry's chocolate fudge brownie ice cream and a Monster energy drink- that's the way to go.

 See, but I didn't ever do that.. I started being really stupid and went emo. This was until I realized what it did to me and how it made me act.. But then it was too late! Crap. But I'm still trying my hardest NOT to be emo, cause I know it's wrong and I, myself want to stop. I just wish I knew how to get out of this phase.. It's very difficult. My counselor found out about this and he had to sit down and tell me what goes on when I cut myself..

 And then he called my MOM.  My question is, why do they HAVE to tell my parents EVERYTHING?! It gets a little annoying after a while.. Well, back to the main topic. So I learned what it does.. You know when you like accidentally fall or trip and scrape your knee or like start bleeding? Well your brain's super smart so it sends down to make you feel better.. And what your brain sends down is sorta the same thing as heroin. As in, like it has the same effect. And that's when it gets addicting.

 So now tell me, is it easy to let go of drugs? Not really.. But if you try super super hard and make the effort to stop cutting, your addiction can go away. That's what I'm doing now:] And it's sorta-ish working.. Well not really but at least I'm trying. I only cut when it's totally and completely necessary. The only reason I would cut in the first place was because I needed a distraction from my emotions. What I would do (sorta like my theory) was: slit my arm several times to distract myself from my tears.

 Great theory, huh? No, not really. But it was working. lol. It's not really that big of a deal, but people take it so hard, you know what I mean? So that's why everyone is like 'awww, poor girl." No. Nothing is wrong with me! And when I don't listen to people when they tell me to stop, they start arguing with me! What I always tell them is, try and understand. Then I walk away, end of conversation. I mean, if I stayed any longer, everyone would make a huge deal out of it anyway.. Right?

GSMST

 So I decided to go for GSMST.. So I gave my mom the forms and she happily signed them and she and I are PRAYING that I get in.. Like no joke, if I get into this school I will feel like theluckiest girl in the world.. But I have one big problem.. My ex goes to that school and I don't think the whole 'moving on' scheme is going to work if I see him.  I mean just seeing him makes me cry.. I can't even smile in front of him, I have to force it:'(..

 It gets difficult when you have to make a run to the restroom to save your SANITY. Yeah, I tried getting over him, but yet, I miss him a lot.. And it hurts not to see him so it's sorta weird.. But then again, the last time I saw him (an hour or so after seeing his face) I was sitting in class and I starting breathing heavily and my eyes started welling and I had a strange gut feeling in my stomach.. I guess I should try a little harder to get over him.. I mean I did block him everywhere.. But after a while I just couldn't take it, you know what I mean? Well, back to the school topic. I'm signing up for this school because it's good for me, and it can prepare me for the worst and what not. All done:]

Makeup/Premature Aging.

  It gets on my nerves how almost everyone is wearing a load of makeup nowadays.. I mean, they looked pretty without it, so they shouldn't be wearing it. I only wear makeup like once in three weeks. I guess they don't see what the makeup is doing to their skin gradually. It's a little something I call pre-mature aging. 

 For the people who don't know what pre-mature aging is, it's when your skin starts aging sevral years earlier than necessary. I.E. wrinkles, fine lines, dry skin, eye baggs, NOT dark circles. Dark circles are developed because of no sleep, depression, or a lack of vitamins... and crying. See, whenever I put makeup on, I just apply eyeliner and mascara. I never really go for heavy eye makeup like eyeshadow or blush. 

 Except for that one time on new years eve (2008-09). But I looked really bad that day, so I thought I would look better with makeup on.. Great excuse, huh?

Motherly 'Love'

 Okay, my mother has serious issues (I still love her and all, but this got on my nerves). Does she have to compare me to my friends in my grade level? It's like everyday she says things like: 'I met somebody today, your friend's mom' 'she did this, she has straight A's, she's so much better than you!'. Does she expect me to be like a twin sister to EVERYONE in my grade?! You know how freaking hard I'm working in school?? I promised myself to get straight A's this semester (and all the ones after this).. 

 I study while everyone else in class is slaking off/texting their friends/taking pictures/talking to other people. I even stopped READING in school cause I thought it was a distraction! How much further can I go?? Should I freaking stop wearing pretty clothes/accessories? Should I stop being decent? Should I loose my social life/friends outside of school? Should I completely just think about school all day and ruin everything else? Should I stop talking to people?!

 Oh! I know!! Better yet, I'll just start acting like a psycho and spaz out every time I get less than a 99% in school! PERFECT! No. Maybe when I get straight A's she'll leave me alone..

Landlord's Gift?

Okay, So like my parents went and bought a gift for theirlandlord. That's right! LANDLORD. The more surprising thing is, the gift was (in total) $100. See? That's what just gets on my nerves. They can't book a doctors appointment, but they CAN buy a gift for their LANDLORD- who they don't even know THAT WELL for $100. I'm sorry, this is just IRRITATING.
I tried telling my mom that maybe they should get him something that isn't so expensive, because honestly, I really don't know who would buy their landlord a GIFT. But my mom, as usual, laughed at me and asked 'Do you want it? Is that what you are trying to say, Nicky?'. My DAD, who usually doesn't listen, LISTENED and thought about it in his head and then he looked at my mom with a 'I'm so stupid' look and he told her 'Maybe we should've bought something more cheap..'. But my mom said 'You're listening to a child?!'.
It's stupid. People think that when someone does something, the other person is naive, and they shouldn't comment on whatever they are doing. YOU AREN'T SMART. IF YOU WERE THEN YOU WOULD'VE BOUGHT YOUR FREAKING LANDLORD SOMETHING MORE CHEAP!

Forgive and Forget

  Another one of the things that I hate are when people hold grudges! It's so stupid! Like this one person I know.. Well see, there was this one time that I skipped class, and she caught me. So she called my mom and what not. But from that day on, she always gave my the pity look.
  IT GOT ON MY NERVES. I make mistakes, so does everyone else. You can't say that you haven't done something bad in your life, Sherlock.
  Don't pretend to be an angel and think that you will always be right and I will always be wrong. I seriously just think it's stupid.  Forgive and forget. I bet you that your mom taught you that a million times, but you probably weren't listening. I remember this one other time I went to REC and right after, we were going to celebrate my birthday.
  So before I left, I threw on the dress my cousin gave me as a gift (I LOVE THAT DRESS). The dress was solid black and short, but not too short. So I put it on and got in the car to go to REC. Before I got in the car my mom was like, that looks really pretty- I said thanks and smiled.
  I was a little late to REC so when I got there, that some woman was standing there and I was like: GOD PLEASE HELP ME! So as I got closer to her, I was like 'Hey' and she was like 'Where is your mom? Why are you late?'.  OF COURSE! She thought I was skipping class!!
  So I said that my mom just dropped me off. Then she asked why I was wearing a dress and I told her about me going to celebrate my birthday afterward.. She gave me a smug grin when I said 'birthday' and asked for my mom's number. I gave it to her, wondering why she would want to call my mom right then. But when she dialed I told her that she forgot her phone at home, because she was in a hurry. After that I told her that she could call her again in another fifteen minutes because by then she would be home.
  So she frowned and told me to go to class with a tardy slip and called me back just before I opened the door and gave my a shawl to wear on my back because my bra strap was showing. When I got out of class and checked my phone, I saw a missed call from my mom. I called her back within five minutes of my release and she picked up with fury in her voice..
  "HOW COULD YOU WEAR THAT DRESS, NICKY? I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU! YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO WEAR THAT DRESS AGAIN, YOU UNDERSTAND?" "Mom?? What happened mom?" "YOUR REC PRINCIPLE CALLED AND TOLD ME EVERYTHING" "What do you mean by everything mom? Calm down mom!" "YOUR DRESS, NICKY. IT'S TERRIBLE, ITS HIDEOUS.." "SLOW DOWN. Tell me her exact words, mom"
 "Okay, she said: 'do you have any idea what your daughter was wearing today?'" "Mom.. Please don't get mad at me... At least not today, mom. She doesn't like me mom, she hates me, and you know that. Try and understand... Mom I gotta go.. I'll talk to you when I get home..."
  I put down the phone so my mom wouldn't hear me cry... She wouldn't care anyway... But it hurt so much. That woman and my mom literally ruined my own birthday. It was already going bad enough because I missed my ex (now my boyfriend) so much:[
  They made it worse.. And that's when I found out why she grinned when I said birthday. She hates me, and she will NEVER forgive and forget...    

 

Dream.

 My alarm clock rang at 5:30am today because I was supposed to do some extra studying in my science notes and textbook. I hit snooze and I felt exhausted because I was still so tired, so I decided to wake up at 7:00am instead and get two extra hours of sleep- two hours of studying are better than none. I fell right back to sleep.. But I had a terrible dream... The dream was taking place at the mall and it was night time. When I got out of the store that I was shopping in, I saw my boyfriend. Surprised, I ran up to him to give him a big hug and a kiss when he backed away and shrugged. I looked at him with confusion and wondered what was going on... He looked me and pointed a remote control towards the ceiling, where a big flat screen and a mini-screen beside it came up. He looked at me and then the screen and sat down with his back against a store window. I stared at the mini-screen and up came a series of pictures of me and him.. The mini-screen read: I loved you so much... I walked back wards to sit beside him while a tear trembled out the side of my eyes.. He wasn't there. He didn't love me anymore.. Look at the words.. I loved you so much.. So I looked around so desperate to find him again and ask what was wrong.. I never found him:[. I went to go outside (apparently, my mom was coming to pick me up after my tragedy). When I stepped out the doors of the mall, there was a flood, and stairs underneath the water (weird, huh?). When I stepped into the water (I was being stupid) I started drowning and the water was pitch black.. I tried getting up the stairs... But I fell back into the water and then woke up.. Good Morning Nicky
 

Baking

 I either bake when i'm really really happy, or really really sad. Please note that when I am sad or angry I add specific punctuation, and that specific punctuation is a period & my writing tends to be boring. Today I am baking cupcakes. And I am sad. I don't want to really tell people why I am sad, because it is pretty pathetic anyway and I shouldn't be whiny.
 I should really just get over it.. I should get over it right? I mean.. I don't want to like be angry and like get on people's nerves and get myself into trouble and get everything taken away again (that would mean NO MORE BLOGGING and NO MORE PHONE). Let me make my decision.. 
Hmmm..... Okay, I'm not going to be sad or angry. All I think I need is a good movie,  bowl of ice cream, and a drink... And his voice. Then I'll be fine (I think). 

Explain it in Person

 LORD. Dreams are so confusing! I remember this one time I was having his dream where this giant ball made of post-it notes was rolling towards me and I had to freaking run for my LIFE. It sounds funny, but it was SCARY. It was almost like a giant bolder.. UGH. 
 I like woke up sweating and screaming! Oh and the other dream that this was supposed to be about, ask me what the dream was in person. No seriously, you won't understand it. lol. And that's cause there's like a different way to say things.. Okay this is like confusing, and I don't want to confuse you:]
 I'm pretty good at confusing people.. But I won't confuse you:] Don't worry! Just ask me what the dream was in person:D!
P.S. ITS CON-FUH-ZUH-LING BAY BAY
*courtesy of Rachel 

Edward.

 So there's this guy in like two of my classes and I had this feeling.. Well not a feeling, but I sorta think he relates to Edward. That's right! A vampire. Please don't laugh. Lol. I'm not going to say his name for you people out there who would like to bug him about my blogg. 
 Well yeah, I am pretty sure that he is a vampire because I have some creepy evidence.. Well I wouldn't call it evidence.. But theories. lol. Alright, so he doesn't eat.. I have never seen him in the sun.. EVER. Except for this one time the whole class went outside and like he was standing in the SHADE. 
 SHADE!! HE WAS STANDING IN THE SHADE! I wonder what would've happend if he went into the sun.. *Sparkle*Sparkle*. OH LAWD ITS EDWARD AND HE'S SHINING LIKE A MILLION DIAMONDS! 

Guys & Emotion

Today I was at school and I couldn't help but think back to my disgusting, emo, depressing and uncomforting days where I used to cry myself to sleep and I couldn't help thinking if the right guy will come into my life.. Guys are so.. UGH. Well I thought about this.. Will guys ever develop emotion? Like in any point of their life, will they understand, or should I just get the thought of 'single for the rest of my life' into my mind? I don't get this.. But I completely do understand that I will seriously give dating a big break.. As in AGE break. Maybe I'm just not ready, or I'm not good enough for certain guys. Maybe I just need a certain type of guy.. I don't know. Lets leave it that way.. And one more thing for the girls that are viewing this website.

Don't cry over a guy.. It's not worth it and it will NEVER be worth it.. Honestly, If he really did love you, he wouldn't do shit to you in the first place. Don't give him second chances. You never know if he has changed or not. The problem with most guys today is, they don't understand the concept of our feelings, they just don't know it feels to be treated like shit.. They don't know what we have been through/are going through. If they did, then just MAYBE they wouldn't be jackasses. BUT, I doubt it cause my last boyfriend was STILL a jackass after the appology (I'm not saying any names). And what was really really sad was, he was PROUD of it. He called HIMSELF an asshole.. It really got on my nerves but I didn't tell him anything. He freaking accepts himself as an asshole... That is what you call a clueless, immature teenager.

You don't see me going around calling myself a slut do you?? 'Hahahaaa.. Yeah I am such a slut. I can't believe I gave that guy a blow job. I am such a slut! haha!' No. It's just so unbelieveable. And he texted me, (my ex.. again, not saying any names. don't want to screw up his precious reputation, do we?) and he said: Hey, look I know your mad but dontknow why. I know your hurt.... but don't see why. I understand your pain...but don't think you deserve it. I don't know why you were mad yesterday. And I don't see why you would tell other people crap about me. I wanna talk. When you get the chance. Please call or text me.

Okay that was the SADDEST TEXT I HAVE EVER READ. So he can text me, but he can't call me? What the hell? Great going! That was so smart! It's okay. I mean I'm not gonna talk to him anyway. If he cared he would've done better then just that text. Not even ONE call. Pathetic. Soooo pathetic.

Florida

  Alright so I went to Florida this year for winter break and I had a ton of fun. We went to Tampa and Orlando! But we didn't go to Walt Disney World, we only went to Universal Studios. Other then that, it is truly a beautiful state. Lots and lots of sunshine, energy and kind people. It's almost like this: strangers treating you as family.    And when we (me and my family) drove into the state, I immediately thought about moving. Everyone was so nice and  everything had its certain personality in Florida. Florida is just different! No way to really explain that though.. But I mean, over there, they don't just start looking at what you did in the past, or how you look, they look at YOU. Your personality, your way of thinking.

Two of my friends moved in from Florida and they said the same thing: Florida people are better- Florida is better itself. They miss Florida so much because when they got a taste of Atlanta... It's just so terribly boring. Now think about Atlanta, Atlanta is ALL about popularity. It's basically a popularity contest. It's all about how you look, how you dress, your past, who you dated and most importantly, WHO YOUR FRIENDS ARE. It really gets on my nerves. Is it that necessary to size everyone (look a person up and down)? Is it? People are so rude.

  If you come to Atlanta, and you don't have any friends here that are popular to the extreme, you aren't good-looking, and you don't have Abercrombie clothing (or the latest designer wear), you are officially screwed.. Sorry. See why I said that Florida is better? Heck, even I don't want to live here...